Four states of goodness.

So, Sam and I LOVE Christmas time. Like, really LOVE IT. It is THE thing we look forward to all year.

Spring break? Nope.
New Years? Nope.
Deer Season? Nu-uh.
Marriages? births? The release of the Wake Owl EP? Nope, nope, and nope.

Let me put this in some perspective for you.

One of the first real memories I have of Sam was around Christmas time. I was getting off the elevator of our apartment building as He got on, and I noticed him immediately. He was dressed in a Christmas sweater (with shoulder pads - which I will admit was a little weird), and carrying a mug of cold eggnog .

At that moment a knew that I there was potentially another person on this earth that loved Christmas as much as I did, and I had to get to know him.

...Even if for nothing else than collaborating on a joint Christmas party.

You get the picture. We love Christmas.

So this Christmas, as Sam and I filled his car with backpacks and luggage, you can imagine how I couldn't help but be excited about what was ahead of us. 

We traveled to four different states in two weeks; stopping in one place for a few days than moving on to the next. Whether it was the people, the adventures, the scenery, or all of the above - each place brought me face to face with the awesomeness of my Creator.

So often, I am guilty of just seeing Christmas as a time to reflect on what God did for us long ago in sending His son; but this Christmas, as I gazed on snow covered mountains and cherished time with my sweet family, I was reminded of the ways God is STILL at work and is STILL so good.

Hammocks

One of my roommates recently brought back a hammock from a trip she took to Costa Rica. Not long after she arrived home, the hammock was hoisted between and anchored to a support beam on the porch in our backyard and a tall tree a few feet away. We've only had this hammock for a few days now, but I love it; and now that the weather is getting warmer, I take every opportunity I can to spend time just laying in it and letting the breeze rock me back and forth. It was during one of these times in the hammock that I found myself swinging, staring at the sky and thinking about absolutely nothing. You know how great it is to think about nothing for once? I had long been craving a moment when I could take a break from my worries and my to-do lists and completely relax in my thoughts. In the midst of my swaying, I was hit with Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still".

In my last entry I talked about how this past summer my selfish desires had been at war with what God was leading me to do. I shared an excerpt from my journal regarding how annoyed I was with hearing his voice continually shouting out part of his plan for me. His plan wasn't what I wanted to hear. His plan scared me. But, by his grace, he gave me a heart of acceptance and turned my heart towards what he wanted for me. However, since then, God has stopped shouting. In fact, he has grown pretty near silent. Now, that doesn't mean that I haven't seen evidence of him working in my life and in the lives of people around me; but in the past few months especially, I have been searching for a sense of direction. I have been yearning for that shouting voice that had once exasperated me. I have been longing for him to give me more instruction -immediately. I have had no clue what he desires of me next, and I have been guilty of becoming frustrated and anxious, unable to bring myself to the point of waiting on him. Believe it or not, all of this seeking and pursuing his will became absolutely exhausting. Just this past Friday, I expressed how tired I was in my pursuit of God to my accountability partner. I talked about how I had spent so much time praying, begging God to reveal himself to me with no response or sense of relief. I felt completely drained spiritually, and was growing more and more weary with each passing day. And this is where that Hammock came into play...

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". It had been so long since I had actually set time aside to be still. I get so caught up in wanting to be proactive and take initiative; and while those attributes aren't necessarily bad- they have wedged their way into my walk with God and crippled my ability to trust him and let him do the fighting. At that moment, laying in that hammock, God saw my struggle and met me. He didn't meet me with the answers I had been wanting, or a step by step plan of the course my life would need to take... but he met me with the reminder of a promise. It was a reminder to slow down, rest in him, and continue to love and pursue him through trusting that he is fighting for me. And now, I cling to that promise. How funny that in that rare moment of silence, God chose to reveal such a huge truth to me. All that digging and begging and analyzing and searching... Gah! All it took was a quieting of my heart.

**Originally written 1/22/2011

War with God... and grocery carts

**Originally written 1/19/2011

I have long been at war with God on several things in my life. It is part of my nature to want to take control of my life and have the ability to steer it in whichever direction I deem the most fit. Because I have been given the freedom to do this if I should so choose, I tend to grasp control tightly- I tend to hang on to it for dear life. However, God has graciously given me a heart that cannot turn away from Him, or ignore his truths. I have yet to tap in to the ability to completely tune him out. Believe me, I've tried.

This is where the war with God occurs. I know what he wants of me, but my initial personal desires seem to constantly be in direct contrast and conflict with what he is asking of my life. I realize this is normal and completely in line with the human condition and our depravity as sinners. Nonetheless, it stirs up a discomfort within me that cannot be pushed aside or overlooked… a discomfort that WILL NOT be pushed aside or overlooked.

Can anyone out there relate to the feeling that you have been called to something and not being able to escape the idea- much less, escape the discomfort that is a result of your own contradictory desires and delay in preparing for and carrying out that task. I experience this feeling daily. The tug-of-war between a heart that ultimately wants, longs and wishes to follow its creator and the wickedness of that very same heart's tendency to run the other way. As ridiculous as it may sound, it reminds me of a grocery cart with a faulty wheel. It is a constant struggle to keep the cart from veering off in whichever direction suits it and maintain control so as not to hit any shelves, displays, or worse... other customers. I get that this is such an over simplified metaphor for the human heart and condition, but in many ways it demonstrates an applicable truth. My heart is so similar to that grocery cart. With its tendency to swerve off track, I am constantly having to make a conscious decision and effort to pull it back to where it needs to be. It's frustrating and tiring.

This past summer while I was working as a counselor at a camp in Tyler, TX, this frustration came to a head. As I wrote a new entry in my journal one night, I was angry and the most honest and vulnerable I had ever been with God. I told him that his voice was annoying to me, and that the last thing I wanted to hear was him speaking to me. This is an excerpt of what I went on to write; "What you are calling me to scares me. Very little of myself is excited about it. In fact, most of me hates being reminded of my calling. I feel as though my calling is an obligation, a task I must accomplish to make you happy - and all the while you keep shouting your will in my ear". It wasn't long after this entry that God broke me, and my selfish desires lost. Thank God! I was reminded once again of the promise I made to him... that wherever and to whatever he called me, I would go. The journal entries after that one are evidence of where God took me in my walk after that night of complete openness and exposure to him. In his grace and mercy he turned my desires toward his and showed me what it meant to love him out of obedience (2 John :6), and through trusting and really knowing that he is sovereign (1 Corinthians 13:12).

Still, in spite of what he has shown me... fighting him for control is something I still struggle with and will continue to struggle with as it is the product of my sinful heart. But through questioning him and fighting him, he has humbled me and drawn me closer to him. He allows me to seek him and find him in that way. In spite of the wickedness of my heart, he raises me up in righteousness.



"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
- 2 John :6

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
- 1 Corinthians 13:12

**Originally written 1/19/2011