Oh, Canada

 Oh, Canada, you are beautiful! Truely.

 

Where was God?

“Where was God when I called to Him, and… happened anyway?” This is the big one, the zinger, the one thing most Christians hope to never be asked. Ask us about the resurrection, the Trinity, predestination; but, don’t ask us to explain why a God we claim loves you, wouldn’t answer you when you cried out for His help. That one is too hard.

I know that’s what Christians think because I’ve been there. I am a Christian who has been asked that very question. I remember the feeling of butterflies, the intense desire to say something profound, to provide a simple but life altering answer to such a complex question. Then, when nothing profound came to me, I hoped for some relief; I hoped for someone to step in and save me the embarrassment I was about to make of myself. My mind raced, but in the end all I managed to get out was something like “I don’t know, but I know He heard you”. As you can imagine, my answer brought more frustration to my friend then a sense of comfort or understanding. In fact, they would have had every right to call me an idiot for trying to act like I had the answer to something I clearly had no grasp of. The truth is- it was the best answer I could give to a question I had found myself asking numerous times before.

 “Where was God when I prayed and my mother still died of cancer?”, “Where was God when I was molested as a little girl?”, “Where was God when my wife died protecting innocent children at the Newtown shooting?”  None of these inquiries are astonishing or asked without valid reason.  They are very real demands to very real tragedies. They resemble questions most everyone has asked, even if only in their heart, at one time or another.  But they are not harmless. They are cries many are afraid to voice because they look straight into core of Christianity and essentially ask “Is your God, is my God, really who He says He is?”

Theological Significance Surrounding the Question

As I reflect back over this demand, I am struck by its potency. My first thought is to see it as a poison to the Christian faith. It seems to question God, it seems to doubt Him! If I were to say that the very fact they were asking that question told me they did not trust their Creator, it would not be the first or the last time that reply was given by a well-meaning Christian; but, how wrong and premature that answer would be.  Jesus Himself asked a very similar question as He hung on the cross “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me”. He was not the only to offer this cry; it, in fact originated with David in Psalm 22. David begins his lament by asking this same question, “…why have you forsaken me?” How shocking. This question, that many Christians see as an accusatory statement of “doubt” was also asked by King David, then by Jesus. But why would God forsake King David, a man after His own heart, and His only Son whom scripture explicitly says He loved? Here, there is great significance – He didn’t.

When David first uttered those words in Psalm 22 it was in lament, despair, and questioning; but the passage doesn’t end there - it goes on as David moves to an attitude of praise. He is quick to acknowledge the Lord God as “the Holy One”, “the praise of Israel”; he recalls where the Lord has shown great faithfulness in the past; and His promise of deliverance in the future. This is where Jesus enters the scene.

So, why did Jesus also speak the words of David? It was for our benefit. There Jesus was- the symbol of God’s promises already fulfilled and promises yet to be fulfilled. He was the real life picture of David’s words. “Why have you forsaken me” was not meant to convey that God had left Him (He promised He wouldn’t in Deut. 31), but to point us toward His goodness and His faithfulness. Jesus was pointing to a time when David felt much like Christ’s followers did in the present situation of watching their Lord on hanging on a cross – forsaken. But it was also meant to remind them that God was still the “Holy one”, and that further promises were yet to be satisfied.

“Surely He took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered Him punished by God, stricken by Him and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed”. Isaiah 53:4, 5

A Biblical Answer to a Biblical Question

                After understanding the theological significance to the question “where was God when”, I begin to find the beginnings of a sound biblical answer and perspective.  First of all, we can know that we serve a God who is faithful and keeps His promises. Thus, we can know that when we pray, He hears us (Psalm 116:1, 2); we can fully trust that He will never leave or forsake His children (Deut. 31:6); and we can have the confidence that God knew the struggles we would face, but has already offered us hope. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John  16:33) We can know that the hurts and the tragedies we experience are the result of a world that has yet to be restored. Pain and hurt are still around us because sin alters what was good and leaves it lacking – but, it will not be this way forever. It must answer to a God so loving of His people and so disgusted by wickedness that He has put a plan in place to separate the two forever – just not yet.

                Secondly, I would answer that the question “Where were You, God” is not just okay, but a good question to ask. So, ask it. In so many ways, the question is incredibly Biblical. It was asked by King David and Jesus Christ. However, it is important to note that this question was not done in a way that was intended to breed further doubt, but further hope. It was a question asked in humility that brought further praise to God and reminded us that we will feel the effects of sin in the world, but God isn’t finished with it yet, that He is still with us, that He will wipe away our every tear, and that because of His sacrifice- redemption is certain.

                Finally, I would urge one to not cease falling to their knees in prayer. I recognize that at this point it would be easy for one to neglect to see the need for prayer at all. If we know that the world is broken and nothing in this world is untouched by sin, why ask? To not ask would be a mistake. By not asking, we neglect to cling to the promise Jesus left us with in John 16:33. Sin has already been overcome! God desires that we make our requests known, and Jesus even takes the time to show His disciples how to pray. Prayer has power. Listening to our prayers and answering them is one of the great ways God shows His love for us. But we should also remember that God loves us because of who He is, not because we are entitled. When we ask for something it is an appeal to His grace, and not an appeal to His justice regarding what we feel we deserve. In this, we can know that everything He gives and withholds is done out of His love for us. So ask away.

Continuing to ask the Question

So, we can ask the question “Where was God”, and we can ask it often. Remembering the times before when all hope seemed lost and we couldn’t see a way out of the darkness that surrounded us; but knowing also that we have a God who is fighting and warring for us. We can remember that dominion belongs to a powerful and loving God who rules over the nations and will one day deliver His people.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation21:3-5

              

Forgetting the former things

**Originally written 2/1/2010

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43:18, 19

A few weeks ago I sat down with my accountability partner in a coffee shop across the street from campus, and (after several minutes of small talk) began to dive into what I had been struggling with the most. My past.

I went on to divulge my guilt and regret over where I had been and decisions I had made within the past year, even the past week... the past day. I then translated that into what I am continuing to struggle with now, and how even just the knowledge and the reminders of my mistakes were affecting my life today and had a significant affect on my current self identity. After awhile of venting my frustration as my friend sat and listened, God hit me with truth in the next thing she said.

"You are not defined by your past."

There is evidence in the bible of how time and time again God continued to love, use and restore his people regardless of their past. One amazing illustration of this occurs in John when the Pharisees brought before Jesus a woman who had been caught up in adultery. Commiting adultery meant breaking one of the ten commandments written out for God's people in Exodus, and as the Pharisees said "...the Law of Moses commanded [them] to stone such women" (John 8:5). However, instead of stoning her, Jesus says that he does not condemn her; and to go and leave her life of sin (John 8:10,11). Another such example is that of King David. King David was a man that God blessed as a result of David's obedience and pursuit of God. Yet, in spite of David's heart for God and his high rank, he- like every other human being- struggled with sin. In fact, in the course of one chapter David commits adultry, attempts to cover up his sin, and commits murder (2 Samuel 11). Nevertheless one does not have to look far to find his repentence in the very next chapter (2 Samuel 12). As a result, God keeps the promise he made to David years before and the lineage of Jesus Christ in carried out through him (2 Samuel 7:8-16).

"You are not defined by your past". But then what are we defined by? In both of these examples a type of humbling occurs. This humbling manifests itself in regret and repentance of sin. True repentance, the kind where one desires to "leave [their] life of sin". It doesn't simply mean asking for forgiveness, but pursuing a heart change in the process. All have sinned and all continually fall short of the glory of God; God created us, He knows that. What matters to God, isn't our past... but where we are going. What he desires from us isn't a perfect life, but a life spent in genuine, humble pursuit of Him.

**Originally written 2/1/2010

Four states of goodness.

So, Sam and I LOVE Christmas time. Like, really LOVE IT. It is THE thing we look forward to all year.

Spring break? Nope.
New Years? Nope.
Deer Season? Nu-uh.
Marriages? births? The release of the Wake Owl EP? Nope, nope, and nope.

Let me put this in some perspective for you.

One of the first real memories I have of Sam was around Christmas time. I was getting off the elevator of our apartment building as He got on, and I noticed him immediately. He was dressed in a Christmas sweater (with shoulder pads - which I will admit was a little weird), and carrying a mug of cold eggnog .

At that moment a knew that I there was potentially another person on this earth that loved Christmas as much as I did, and I had to get to know him.

...Even if for nothing else than collaborating on a joint Christmas party.

You get the picture. We love Christmas.

So this Christmas, as Sam and I filled his car with backpacks and luggage, you can imagine how I couldn't help but be excited about what was ahead of us. 

We traveled to four different states in two weeks; stopping in one place for a few days than moving on to the next. Whether it was the people, the adventures, the scenery, or all of the above - each place brought me face to face with the awesomeness of my Creator.

So often, I am guilty of just seeing Christmas as a time to reflect on what God did for us long ago in sending His son; but this Christmas, as I gazed on snow covered mountains and cherished time with my sweet family, I was reminded of the ways God is STILL at work and is STILL so good.

Hammocks

One of my roommates recently brought back a hammock from a trip she took to Costa Rica. Not long after she arrived home, the hammock was hoisted between and anchored to a support beam on the porch in our backyard and a tall tree a few feet away. We've only had this hammock for a few days now, but I love it; and now that the weather is getting warmer, I take every opportunity I can to spend time just laying in it and letting the breeze rock me back and forth. It was during one of these times in the hammock that I found myself swinging, staring at the sky and thinking about absolutely nothing. You know how great it is to think about nothing for once? I had long been craving a moment when I could take a break from my worries and my to-do lists and completely relax in my thoughts. In the midst of my swaying, I was hit with Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still".

In my last entry I talked about how this past summer my selfish desires had been at war with what God was leading me to do. I shared an excerpt from my journal regarding how annoyed I was with hearing his voice continually shouting out part of his plan for me. His plan wasn't what I wanted to hear. His plan scared me. But, by his grace, he gave me a heart of acceptance and turned my heart towards what he wanted for me. However, since then, God has stopped shouting. In fact, he has grown pretty near silent. Now, that doesn't mean that I haven't seen evidence of him working in my life and in the lives of people around me; but in the past few months especially, I have been searching for a sense of direction. I have been yearning for that shouting voice that had once exasperated me. I have been longing for him to give me more instruction -immediately. I have had no clue what he desires of me next, and I have been guilty of becoming frustrated and anxious, unable to bring myself to the point of waiting on him. Believe it or not, all of this seeking and pursuing his will became absolutely exhausting. Just this past Friday, I expressed how tired I was in my pursuit of God to my accountability partner. I talked about how I had spent so much time praying, begging God to reveal himself to me with no response or sense of relief. I felt completely drained spiritually, and was growing more and more weary with each passing day. And this is where that Hammock came into play...

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". It had been so long since I had actually set time aside to be still. I get so caught up in wanting to be proactive and take initiative; and while those attributes aren't necessarily bad- they have wedged their way into my walk with God and crippled my ability to trust him and let him do the fighting. At that moment, laying in that hammock, God saw my struggle and met me. He didn't meet me with the answers I had been wanting, or a step by step plan of the course my life would need to take... but he met me with the reminder of a promise. It was a reminder to slow down, rest in him, and continue to love and pursue him through trusting that he is fighting for me. And now, I cling to that promise. How funny that in that rare moment of silence, God chose to reveal such a huge truth to me. All that digging and begging and analyzing and searching... Gah! All it took was a quieting of my heart.

**Originally written 1/22/2011

War with God... and grocery carts

**Originally written 1/19/2011

I have long been at war with God on several things in my life. It is part of my nature to want to take control of my life and have the ability to steer it in whichever direction I deem the most fit. Because I have been given the freedom to do this if I should so choose, I tend to grasp control tightly- I tend to hang on to it for dear life. However, God has graciously given me a heart that cannot turn away from Him, or ignore his truths. I have yet to tap in to the ability to completely tune him out. Believe me, I've tried.

This is where the war with God occurs. I know what he wants of me, but my initial personal desires seem to constantly be in direct contrast and conflict with what he is asking of my life. I realize this is normal and completely in line with the human condition and our depravity as sinners. Nonetheless, it stirs up a discomfort within me that cannot be pushed aside or overlooked… a discomfort that WILL NOT be pushed aside or overlooked.

Can anyone out there relate to the feeling that you have been called to something and not being able to escape the idea- much less, escape the discomfort that is a result of your own contradictory desires and delay in preparing for and carrying out that task. I experience this feeling daily. The tug-of-war between a heart that ultimately wants, longs and wishes to follow its creator and the wickedness of that very same heart's tendency to run the other way. As ridiculous as it may sound, it reminds me of a grocery cart with a faulty wheel. It is a constant struggle to keep the cart from veering off in whichever direction suits it and maintain control so as not to hit any shelves, displays, or worse... other customers. I get that this is such an over simplified metaphor for the human heart and condition, but in many ways it demonstrates an applicable truth. My heart is so similar to that grocery cart. With its tendency to swerve off track, I am constantly having to make a conscious decision and effort to pull it back to where it needs to be. It's frustrating and tiring.

This past summer while I was working as a counselor at a camp in Tyler, TX, this frustration came to a head. As I wrote a new entry in my journal one night, I was angry and the most honest and vulnerable I had ever been with God. I told him that his voice was annoying to me, and that the last thing I wanted to hear was him speaking to me. This is an excerpt of what I went on to write; "What you are calling me to scares me. Very little of myself is excited about it. In fact, most of me hates being reminded of my calling. I feel as though my calling is an obligation, a task I must accomplish to make you happy - and all the while you keep shouting your will in my ear". It wasn't long after this entry that God broke me, and my selfish desires lost. Thank God! I was reminded once again of the promise I made to him... that wherever and to whatever he called me, I would go. The journal entries after that one are evidence of where God took me in my walk after that night of complete openness and exposure to him. In his grace and mercy he turned my desires toward his and showed me what it meant to love him out of obedience (2 John :6), and through trusting and really knowing that he is sovereign (1 Corinthians 13:12).

Still, in spite of what he has shown me... fighting him for control is something I still struggle with and will continue to struggle with as it is the product of my sinful heart. But through questioning him and fighting him, he has humbled me and drawn me closer to him. He allows me to seek him and find him in that way. In spite of the wickedness of my heart, he raises me up in righteousness.



"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
- 2 John :6

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
- 1 Corinthians 13:12

**Originally written 1/19/2011

My Favorite Place in Dallas

This is where I have spent my summer.
Day after day I visit these buildings, walk down these pathways, and praise God for the beauty of His creation as I take time every now and then to just sit and soak it in. There is nowhere in Dallas I would rather be.