Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Two Words.


Tonight, I sat on the couch and sobbed.
Buried under pillows and swallowed by couch cushions, I pulled my knees up to my chest and completely lost it. Thankfully, I had the apartment to myself.

There has been a feeling inside of me for a very long time (I'm not sure how long, but I know we're talking years) that I am missing life. That in many ways, I missing everything I was purposed for and living a life of warmth and comfort. Warmth and comfort are not terrible things in and of themselves, but as I search my heart I find that I have longed for and held onto those things far more determinedly than I have desired to live my life with complete abandon; worse than that, far more passionately than I have loved my God.

I have this memory that I cannot shake. It's an old memory, but one that has forever shaped my life. I am thirteen years old and I, along with my family, sit in an evening church service. This is one of those special services. One where a sermon is not given, and instead the whole time is spent in worship and prayer. Placed at the foot of the stage is a large cross, and my pastor has asked that anyone who has something to lay at the feet of Jesus would come to the cross, write that "something" on a piece of paper, and leave it there. My pastor was making no pretense about it; this night was to be a night of surrender. So there I was, sitting in my pew, head bowed, elbows resting on my knees, realizing I had no idea what it looked like to genuinely place something at Jesus' feet. But, here is what I did know - I knew I did not want to be normal, I knew I wanted my life to count for something far greater than myself, and I knew I served a good and powerful God. So, rising out of my seat, I made my way to the foot of the cross. Kneeling among many others who were also in the midst of surrender, I took a small piece of paper, and tearfully wrote two words.

Two words.

How life changing can two words scribbled on a small piece of paper be?
Though it may sound nonthreatening, I have found them to be two of the most powerful words a human being can utter.

"Send me".

In those words I was surrendering everything. And while at the time I did not know what all that surrender would entail, I knew it was a serious request and one that would require more than I knew I had to give.

Now, ten years later, I find that "send me" has turned into something more along the lines of "send me later". As I made my way through high school and college my initial surrender began to fade into the background of a busy life filled with classes, football games, sorority functions, jobs, and weekend road trips. The fading of those words was no accident, I loved my life. I told myself that I still wanted God to use me, just not yet. Not while I was comfortable. Besides, couldn't God better use me when I was out of high school... out of college... out of seminary? Even in all that, I have never fully been able to escape that night so many years ago when I laid everything at the cross and essentially asked God to take it all. Every so often, God speaks to my heart and says "You asked me to send you" and I am ashamed when I think of every time I have pushed that reminder away, or been too busy to listen.

But tonight was different.

God, in His great mercy hit me with the full blown weight of what I had been ignoring for so long. Tonight, I was sitting in the comfort of my living room, reading the words of Isaiah 6, and realizing that I have been missing the boat. Most of what I have done in my life has been under the caveat that it not require too much of me - that I be allowed to cling to the things I hold most dear. In this I have walked away from a Savior who gave up His very life for me. I sat and sobbed as I was brought face to face with the hardness of my heart. I thank God that by His grace, underneath all of my hardness, is a heart that still reaches for Him. A heart that is moved to tears when faced with the reality of how much time I have wasted.

In truth, I still do not know what it looks like to live a life completely abandoned to God. That kind of life is unpredictable, dangerous, inconvenient, terrifying, exhausting, life threatening, and one I will probably never master; but I do know that whoever loses his life for the sake of Christ will find it (Matt. 10:39), and that is my hearts deepest longing.

 I want to lose my life for the sake of Christ.

And, it is because of Christ that I once again say two words. "Send me".

**Originally written October 2012

2 comments:

  1. Lauren, thank you for pouring out your heart! I miss you so much. I cannot wait to see where God sends you! You have so much encouragement, life, and wisdom to add to those around you. Love you much Lauren!

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  2. Lauren, as a loving friend of your mother, I want to say how awestruck I was to read your post. It is surely the desire of Jesus' heart that each of us has such a longing to be used of Him. A lot has happened in your life since this posting, and I know God is answering your heartfelt prayer and using you and your beloved. The earnestness of your words is a tribute to your loving parents, who reared you and nurtured you in the things of God. May it be so for all of us. God's blessings on you and those you love.

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