**Originally written 1/19/2011
I have long been at war with God on several things in my life. It is part of my nature to want to take control of my life and have the ability to steer it in whichever direction I deem the most fit. Because I have been given the freedom to do this if I should so choose, I tend to grasp control tightly- I tend to hang on to it for dear life. However, God has graciously given me a heart that cannot turn away from Him, or ignore his truths. I have yet to tap in to the ability to completely tune him out. Believe me, I've tried.
This is where the war with God occurs. I know what he wants of me, but my initial personal desires seem to constantly be in direct contrast and conflict with what he is asking of my life. I realize this is normal and completely in line with the human condition and our depravity as sinners. Nonetheless, it stirs up a discomfort within me that cannot be pushed aside or overlooked… a discomfort that WILL NOT be pushed aside or overlooked.
Can anyone out there relate to the feeling that you have been called to something and not being able to escape the idea- much less, escape the discomfort that is a result of your own contradictory desires and delay in preparing for and carrying out that task. I experience this feeling daily. The tug-of-war between a heart that ultimately wants, longs and wishes to follow its creator and the wickedness of that very same heart's tendency to run the other way. As ridiculous as it may sound, it reminds me of a grocery cart with a faulty wheel. It is a constant struggle to keep the cart from veering off in whichever direction suits it and maintain control so as not to hit any shelves, displays, or worse... other customers. I get that this is such an over simplified metaphor for the human heart and condition, but in many ways it demonstrates an applicable truth. My heart is so similar to that grocery cart. With its tendency to swerve off track, I am constantly having to make a conscious decision and effort to pull it back to where it needs to be. It's frustrating and tiring.
This past summer while I was working as a counselor at a camp in Tyler, TX, this frustration came to a head. As I wrote a new entry in my journal one night, I was angry and the most honest and vulnerable I had ever been with God. I told him that his voice was annoying to me, and that the last thing I wanted to hear was him speaking to me. This is an excerpt of what I went on to write; "What you are calling me to scares me. Very little of myself is excited about it. In fact, most of me hates being reminded of my calling. I feel as though my calling is an obligation, a task I must accomplish to make you happy - and all the while you keep shouting your will in my ear". It wasn't long after this entry that God broke me, and my selfish desires lost. Thank God! I was reminded once again of the promise I made to him... that wherever and to whatever he called me, I would go. The journal entries after that one are evidence of where God took me in my walk after that night of complete openness and exposure to him. In his grace and mercy he turned my desires toward his and showed me what it meant to love him out of obedience (2 John :6), and through trusting and really knowing that he is sovereign (1 Corinthians 13:12).
Still, in spite of what he has shown me... fighting him for control is something I still struggle with and will continue to struggle with as it is the product of my sinful heart. But through questioning him and fighting him, he has humbled me and drawn me closer to him. He allows me to seek him and find him in that way. In spite of the wickedness of my heart, he raises me up in righteousness.
"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
- 2 John :6
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
- 1 Corinthians 13:12
**Originally written 1/19/2011
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